Just Desserts
by Ranguvar27
Summary: Barnabas Collins meets Edward Cullen, and we see the difference between a real vampire and whatever the hell Eddie is. VERY Anti-Twilight. See Author's Note for more.


Just Deserts

_A/N: This is my take on what would happen if Barnabas met Edward. In terms of timelines, this takes place after Breaking Dawn for Deadward. As for Barnabas….just assume he found another way to travel to the future. Séance, staircase, Delorean…your choice. Also_, _he's whatever version of Barnabas you want. :P_

"And then, I was forced to run away from my only love, because I was so afraid that I would end up killing her, so you see I had to keep her safe from me by walking out into the middle of a crowd in Volterra, Italy, and sparkling in the sun…"

"Wait. Did you just say sparkling? !" The dark haired, pale faced…man looked at his companion in complete and utter disgust. "You actually bloody sparkle in the bloody sun?" His companion, a rather fey looking young man with bronze hair and a perpetually pouty expression that he no doubt thought made him look handsome but really made him look constantly constipated, nodded.

"Well, of course I sparkle! What else should I do?"

Barnabas Collins gripped his wolf's head cane tightly, and slowly counted to ten. He was beginning to wish he had never run into this Edward fellow-despite the fact that their last names were similar enough that they may have had some familial ancestry. If this was what the vampires in the future were like, he would be very glad to get back to his own time. "Well," he replied finally, choosing his words carefully, "most of our kind tends to burn up in the sun. But please, continue with your oh so fascinating story."

The sarcasm went completely over Edward's head, and he sighed melodramatically. "Well, I told you how I became a vampire, right?"

Barnabas waved his hand airily. "Yes, yes, you were dying of the flu, because that is just so much more dramatic and heartbreaking than being cursed by a witch, having your true love jump off a cliff when she finds out the truth, then being chained in a coffin by your own father because he can't bring himself to kill you. You most assuredly win this round."

Edward nodded, grinning. "Well, after that, I went a little crazy and killed a lot of people, but who cares about that? People aren't important, after all, and that was a long time ago."

Barnabas growled, his grip tightening on the cane. "And just how many people did you kill?"

"Oh, I lost count. But anyway, for a few hundred years I was so lonely. Then I met Bella, and even though I warned her to stay away from me, she couldn't, and we gradually fell in love. Of course, I had to make sure she stayed pure until the wedding night."

Barnabas stared at him, baffled. He had read quite a lot of folklore regarding vampires, and one thing seemed to stand out-they were considered sexual symbols. He chuckled to himself, remembering when he had brought what he considered a rather bizarre take on his condition to Julia. The good doctor had been most interested in proving the hypothesis. Barnabas moaned to himself as he recalled her enthusiasm, wishing that he was in her arms rather than listening to this idiot whine. "That's….commendable. So what happened next?" 'Please, finish your story.'

"Well, we had a perfect wedding, and a perfect wedding night, and then she got pregnant."

"Err…isn't that impossible? I mean, for all intents and purposes, we're dead. We can't get humans pregnant." 'And thank God for that, because I'm not ready for a little Barnabas.'

Edward snorted with chagrin. "Well, I'm special. But the baby was killing my Bella, the werewolf Jacob was trying to make her love him instead, and it was just horrible! So I tore the baby out with my teeth and turned Bella into a vampire, just like she had always dreamed! And Jacob imprinted on our daughter, so everything worked out."

Barnabas felt a headache coming on. "Dare I ask what imprinting is?"

Edward's voice took on a scholarly tone. "Imprinting is when a werewolf chooses the person he or she is going to mate with. Someday, Jacob and Renesmee will be married."

"Renesmee? That would be…your newborn daughter?" Edward nodded, and Barnabas gagged. "That's disgusting. Does she have a say in this?" Edward looked at him like he was crazy, and Barnabas nodded. "Right, well, Edward, this has been…educational, but I'm afraid there's something I have to do."

Before Edward could react, Barnabas raised his cane and gave him a blow to his head that knocked him spinning. Edward tried to get up, only for Barnabas to advance on him, fangs bared in rage. "You…worthless…idiotic…ass! How dare you call yourself a tortured soul! You have not had anything bad ever happen in your entire undeath! My God, you whine about being immortal, being in school constantly, and trying to 'keep away' from your True Love because you don't want to hurt her!" With each word, he dealt Edward a crushing blow with the cane on his neck, head, and face. Edward squealed like a little girl.

"Don't mess up my hair!"

Barnabas growled at him, pressing the tip of the cane into his throat as hard as he could. "Listen up, boy, since I am only saying this once. You are not a tortured soul. You are a worthless brat, and I think I should do the world a favor."

Edward laughed, glaring up at him. "What are you going to do, kill me? A stake won't work!"

Barnabas gave him a fang-filled grin. "Oh, I won't need a stake." With a howl of rage, he launched himself at Edward, and the fight began.

Four minutes later, it was over. Barnabas Collins stood, panting hard and covered in blood as he looked down at the rather strewn about remains of one Edward Cullen, licked the blood off his fingers, sighed, then addressed Edward's decapitated head. "I must confess, I was hoping for a better fight. Perhaps that bint you married will prove to be more challenging."

However, he thought, that would have to wait. Right now, he wanted to get to his home and his lover.

He also needed to find some good handcuffs.


End file.
